My heart was racing, yet I was numb. I could barely breathe, yet in the next moment it was quick and rapid. The emotions were on the surface wanting to be expressed, but the fear of being unable to control the expression kept them from release.
My mind, my body, and my spirit were in competition to determine the feeling and thought I should settle on. Should it be despair of crushed dreams? That didn’t feel quite right. It is definitely something I will grieve, but dreams come easy to me, and there is always a new adventure. Was it the betrayal my heart longed to express? Perhaps a portion of that was needed, but my mind could walk through steps leading me to empathy in the midst of hurt and anger. Loss and abandonment popped up, but a quick reflection of the support I received in the past month refused to let that simmer.
And then it came to the forefront and refused to leave, a word I couldn’t reason away. Allowing myself the time to process didn’t cause it to excuse itself. It just encompassed me. Humiliation hovered above me. It permeated my conversations, my thoughts, my life. This word, this feeling, this unhealthy thought, took over for moment leading to paranoia and fear, closing in on paralysis.
Through the realization, came His subtle voice saying, “you can choose humiliation or you can choose humility.” This choice, this juncture, would determine how I would react, but it would also determine how I would heal. Choosing humiliation would allow external factors, other people, to determine my faults, but ALSO my value. On the other hand, if I was brave enough (or allowed God to be brave for me) to opt for humility, God would pull back the layers of my heart, revealing my imperfections but also restoring my dignity and worth in Him.
Both choices are painful. Both choices lead to reflecting and owning imperfections and mistakes. But, only one choice leads to redemption and restoration.